Me....

Well, I have alluded to some struggles I have been going though. i have emailed a few of you about it.

Connor has acid reflux. The doc said to supplement one feeding a day w/ a bottle of Acid REflux formula. He still wasn't gaining weight. Losing weight in fact.

Doctor then said try 2 bottle feedings and one breast feeding.

Finally gained a few ounces. He spit up on the breast feeding (pretty much all of it came up in massive amounts) and the bottle was normal spitting up.

She said to go ahead and try pumping my milk and put in some rice cereal to thicken it up so it will stay down.

He won't take the pumped milk at all. None.

So, I have been dealing with this.

And before you argue with me, or correct me, please know this is how I perceive things. I know, in my brain, that its different. But this is how my heart feels.

I was making my baby sick. My milk wouldn't stay down and it caused him to lose quite a bit of weight (he is barely up to his discharge weight - still not close to his birth weight). Now, he won't even take what God provided me to give him.

There are a few things that I, as his mommy, can do for him that no one else can. And now, one of those things has been taken away. Part of the reason why I was put on this earth, besides to give birth, is to feed my child(ren). And I suck at it. I can't do it. Without making my son sick.

And it's killing me.

I talked with my OB on Friday. She assured me that his AR is relatively normal. It happens. It isn't my fault, or his, it just is the way that it is. But she did say she is concerned about me.

And yes, I am too.

So, if I still feel even remotely the same way next week, I am to call her and get back in. She will prescribe me something to help. She said that what I seem to have is the "baby blues" but she doesn't want it to go to post partum depression.

Mark was there for the conversation, and I think he "gets it". He has been supportive of me and my inabilities to feed Connor. But, I wasn't srue how he would be when it came to any medicinal help from the doctor.

He told me last night that making sure I am well to take care of me and take care of Connor is the most important thing.

And that's what I am going to do. I am going to take care of me. So I can take care of him.

(p.s. - breaking a 2 1/2 week old of only being able to sleep on you is a sucky thing to go through.)

p.p.s - the same country song keeps going through myhead whenever I see him. It makes me cry like a baby (pun) each and every time. Dammit all.