Updated -

For those of you who emailed me, or posted asking, thank you.

Am I doing better? Yes.

Am I doing great? No, but I AM better.

I went to our company EAP (Employee Assistance PRogram) counselor on Thursday. I spent an hour in there talking, crying, wringing my hands, crying, etc. But I felt better. I hadn't yet cried OPENLY in front of someone who listened and didn't judge or try to fix everything. (OK except at my doctor's office). But I walked out of there feeling a little better.

I am going to take it one day at a time. If I still feel bad on Tuesday or WEdnesday, I will call the doctor and we will go on to the next step to solve this. If not, I"m in there a week from then for my regular appt. Either way, I am going to work with her on this.

Googling "prenatal depression" showed me a lot - this IS common. And it can be an indicator of being susceptible for post partum depression. So, now i know to be aware.

Mark is trying. Hard. Is he doing or saying everything right? Not quite - but he is trying. The engineer in him wants to fix everything. So when I talk to him about somthing, he turns very logical. But at least he's trying.

Oh, and for the record, insomnia is back....with a vengence.

Which isn't helping this at all.

Thank you for your wonderfully sweet and understanding words. It means more to me than you know.

No One Ever Prepared Me For How Rough Pregnancy is

Mentally...

Physically, i was sure it would suck.

But mentally, I am struggling. A whole, whole lot.

I had a long, tear-filled discussion with my doctor today.

She assured me it was normal. My hormones are struggling. In turn....I am struggling. Hard.

I am scared.

Scared of how I am feeling.

Scared of what this means for me in the upcoming 7 weeks. And absolutely terrified of what I am facing after he gets here.

She is concerned about me too.

I am to keep a close, close eye on myself over the next 2 weeks. If at any time I am feeling worse, I am to call. She will see me right away and we will take whatever steps are next - probably some mild medication.

She is worried about depression. I am terrified of depression. I have been there before, but it has never directly affected another person like it is right now.

She wants me to enjoy these last 50 some odd days of my pregnancy. This is time you can't get back, she says. And she's right. I am just too sad to enjoy it as much as i should be.

I am not strong enough to handle this right now. I know I am not.

Unfortunately, the level of understanding of people in my life is rather low. So I feel more and more alone. By the moment.

I talked to a friend who suffered similarly. She has helped.

But on the whole, i am struggling. I need to figure how to cope with this. Or at least get through the next few weeks and months.

I am tired of being wrong. I am tired of failing. I am tired of picking crappy baby names. And picking "fancy" baby soaps, lotions, etc. I am tired of always, always being wrong. I need support. I need to not be judged. I need someone to be by my side. Support me. Encourage me. And make it better when I am hurt.

I have to do something right - and I don't know what that is. Or when that will happen.