Mentally...
Physically, i was sure it would suck.
But mentally, I am struggling. A whole, whole lot.
I had a long, tear-filled discussion with my doctor today.
She assured me it was normal. My hormones are struggling. In turn....I am struggling. Hard.
I am scared.
Scared of how I am feeling.
Scared of what this means for me in the upcoming 7 weeks. And absolutely terrified of what I am facing after he gets here.
She is concerned about me too.
I am to keep a close, close eye on myself over the next 2 weeks. If at any time I am feeling worse, I am to call. She will see me right away and we will take whatever steps are next - probably some mild medication.
She is worried about depression. I am terrified of depression. I have been there before, but it has never directly affected another person like it is right now.
She wants me to enjoy these last 50 some odd days of my pregnancy. This is time you can't get back, she says. And she's right. I am just too sad to enjoy it as much as i should be.
I am not strong enough to handle this right now. I know I am not.
Unfortunately, the level of understanding of people in my life is rather low. So I feel more and more alone. By the moment.
I talked to a friend who suffered similarly. She has helped.
But on the whole, i am struggling. I need to figure how to cope with this. Or at least get through the next few weeks and months.
I am tired of being wrong. I am tired of failing. I am tired of picking crappy baby names. And picking "fancy" baby soaps, lotions, etc. I am tired of always, always being wrong. I need support. I need to not be judged. I need someone to be by my side. Support me. Encourage me. And make it better when I am hurt.
I have to do something right - and I don't know what that is. Or when that will happen.
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12 comments:
FOllow your doctor's advice. If things get bad, CALL HER. If she says take medication, TAKE IT. It can make all the difference in the world.
Hormones are sneaky little things. FOr all the wonderful, feel-good things they can do for us, they can also make us crazy and angry and sad. Ask any man who is living with a woman nearing menopause (like mine) or any man living with a pregnant woman (like yours). And sometimes, we need some help in managing those - hence medication is a good idea if your doctor suggests it. Make sure you follow up after the baby is here, too. You may be more susceptible to post-partum depression and catching that early can make a world of difference in how you approach being a parent. I may have suffered from that mildly, because I resented my baby starting about a week after I had him. I didn't hurt him or give any outward sign, but I was so angry for a while. And I missed all the amazingness of teeny-tiny babyhood because I was busy being mad inside. Probably TMI, but just know - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You're tired. You're scared. This is a big thing. But you're not alone.
you know what you did right...? You talked to your doctor.
You will do this, you will be strong because that little baby needs you to be. And you will do it on auto-pilot if you have too...
I'm here if you need ANYTHING....you have my number.
hugs.
Recognizing an issue and then following through by talking with your Doc are both good things...right things.
Hormones will do nutty things to your body...Let Mark cull the nuts in your life, listen to your Doc and call me if you need me!
You sure did do this right. You talked to your doc, you shared with us, you recognize what is going on.
You know that I went through prenatal depression over the past year, it is awful. It does make you feel alone, because you are pregnant, you are 'supposed' to be happy, right? Wrong! Your body has been overtaken! Hormones are playing roulette with your emotions and every single person has advice to give you, 'cuz they have been there and know how to do it better than you. Wrong.
I agree, have hubby deal with everyone, make him answer the phone and talk to those who need to give you their stupid opinions. (like me! sorry!)
It is a day by day thing, you are on the right path and your doc is taking good care of you. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel what you feel. Don't judge yourself.
If there is anything I can do for you, even just listen, please drop me a line. I will virtually hold your hand if I can. Sounds like you have irl friends who want to walk with you too.
First of all I don't see you as a failure! You've spoke to your doctor and you are speaking out now.
Second, who ever is judging you and making you feel wrong, just tell me who and let me deal with them.
I'm here for you. And please let me know what I can do for you.
Hugs, lots of them,
belinda
MS,
Perhaps you could ask your doc why you have to wait until it gets worse before they will do something about it. Don't let this go on any longer.
If your baby was sad I know you would do what ever you could to fix it...please do the same for yourself.
I've had cancer and I've been through depression. Ask me which disease I'm more afraid of.....
This is fixable...Your blog readers have circled the wagons and now we are all right here giving you what ever encouragement you need. Use us. Cry to us. Go out for coffee with us. Let us convince you to take more naps. We are here for you...
((MS))
PS There are no stupid baby names. You give that baby any name you like!
Oh sweetie...sorry I didn't get to visit earlier. You are NOT alone. There is good advice in the comments here. You have SO many people who care SO much about you!! Some of us might be far away (ME) but good thoughts and hugs can travel a long way.
It's good that you are talking with your doctor; she needs to know about this.
Also: I know that when I am dealing with a difficult time that I have NEVER experienced before, it is the lack of prior experience that makes it so much worse: I have no idea of how long it will last, what will happen next, etc.
I remember when I had a terribly painful medical exam that I had never had before...I almost passed out from the pain. But what made it worse was that I had no idea it was going to be that bad, AND I had no idea how long the exam would take, whether the pain was going to get better or worse, or what was coming next. If I were to have that exam again now, I would be prepared AND heavily medicated :-) Not knowing what comes next, can make the present even more terrifying.
You ARE strong enough. Please, stay in touch with your doctor and keep us posted here. Lean on those who are nearby and can help. Email me if there's anything I can do. Big, big hugs to you!
P.S. It's me again! My point, of course, was that (if memory serves) I think this is your first pregnancy...so, I wonder if the fact that you don't know what's coming next, is making it worse for you.
Sorry - I try to avoid rambling on and then not connecting my story back to your original point :-)
Anyway...we are all here and we think you are truly wonderful. Please keep us posted. Hugs! M
First off - you spoke to the doctor and that was good.
Secondly - You are not alone. The last month of my pregnancy (with my first child) I think I cried every day. I was afraid. I was scared. I was happy. I was petrified of how life would change. I was nervous of the baby.
Don't be afraid of post-partum depression...stay in communication with your doctor and she'll be able to help you out. It is totally treatable.
And believe me - you will get MORE unwanted advice once the baby arrives. There is something about pregnant women and babies that causes everyone around you to tell you how and what to do.
But you know what? When that baby arrives this little "mommy hormone" will kick in and the most important thing is that he will be loved - not what type of soap you used.
Oh I wish I lived in Texas (can't believe I just wrote that) and could just come and give you a giant hug. I was you a few months ago. That's why I started blogging again, so someone else had to listen to me. :)
There is nothing wrong with taking the medication if you need it. I did it my entire pregnancy (and six months before for other reasons) and still am on it. My cousin took it the last two months of her second pregnancy and she did so much better than her first pregnancy. The thing is, it's not supposed to be so hard emotionally and it's a chemical thing. it's not your fault. It truly isn't. Please hear me when I say that.
You need to be okay and feel like you are doing good and if you're not, then you should consider the meds. Because if you get it under control now, it won't be such an issue when your son is born. I know you want what's best for him and that, my new friend is you feeling like you can handle life.
Anything you need, anything you want to bitch or whine about or anything, let me know. I'll listen anytime. I'd leave you my number, but that seems strange here. but if you'd like to talk, let me know and I'll email it too you.
Last thing, you are not alone. You have us. :)
Now that a couple of days have passed are you feeling better?
Hey sweetie...just checking in...hope you are doing better.
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